im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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