I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
