is your mom at the bar?
Yo dont text me then not text me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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