My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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