R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
