my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drake has all the answers
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
