oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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