I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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