Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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