just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
