She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize