its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think my moral compass just broke
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