Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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