2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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