people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
