tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
