just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
