Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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