Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
