she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize