dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
