i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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