My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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