she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
