there's paper in my vomit.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
whose parrot is this?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
