don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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