I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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