All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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