tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
