I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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