so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
...so i touched it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
