Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
