Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
