So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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