My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
