in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
