Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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