I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
