I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
