I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Never joke about your clitoris.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
