I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
