I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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