im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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