how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
