I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
