I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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