He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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