Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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