I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
