Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
