I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
