I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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