I wish I could teleport
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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