hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Randomize
