i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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