My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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