he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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