I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
