i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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