I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
