So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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